Category Archives: The Orb of Covfefe

Part VI – An unexpected turn

The sun had risen by the time the Land Rover rolled into Single street, Bromley. Green hedges and mansions adorned the sides of the road. ‘This is it’ said Perv and he pointed to an Aristocratic-looking white house. They parked in front of the house. Jack stayed in the car as look-outs, the others walked up to the gate. Perv pressed the intercom button and a distinctly British voice answered: ‘Yes?
– ‘Nigel, Perv here. Did you get my DM?’
Nigel? Barron thought, it couldn’t be..?
‘Ah, yes’ the voice answered. ‘Come in.’ The gate opened and the men entered. They rang the doorbell and the 3-meter high oak door was opened by no other than Nigel Farage. Perv put his hands on Nigel’s shoulders and said it was good to see him. Nigel averted his gaze. ‘I wish it was under different circumstances’, he said. Perv nodded. ‘So do I, my friend.’ Barron shook hands with Nigel. They had met before in the Golden Palace, but for some reason Nigel was a lot less friendly now. He looked like a man under a lot of stress. Barron shot a glance at Perv, who apparently noticed the same thing.
‘Uh, come on in’ Nigel mumbled, ‘I’ll make you some tea and we can, uh, talk things over.’

They followed Nigel into his living room, which was furnished with Persian carpets, red leather sofas and old, hand-made oak furniture. Sides of the room were decorated with blue velvet curtains. Nigel shifted around nervously, fluffing up pillows and adjusting the coffee table. ‘Yes sit down, I’ll make you some tea…’
Perv stepped forward. ‘Nigel. Is something wrong?’
‘NOTHING is wrong mr Pervert’ came a voice from behind the curtain. Out stepped a dark-skinned man with a gun in his hands. ‘Sadiqh Khan!’ cried Perv.
‘I am glad you still follow the media’ Khan said. He turned to Barron. ‘Ah the young Trump. I apologize for the mediocre welcoming committee earlier, perhaps now we can make amends.’ He snapped his fingers and from behind the curtains several butch women with short blue hair stepped forward. On their upper arm they wore thick bands with on them a rainbow symbol intercrossed with an Islamic moon. One of the blue-haired woman was holding a gun to another woman’s head, whom Barron recognized as Nigel’s wife.
‘How did you know we were here!?’ Barron asked.
– ‘Let’s just say I have… Sources. You see, we are everywhere. We have all the momentum. Your hateful, racist and misogynistic ways, your… ‘white supremacy’’ Khan spit out these words ‘is at an end. WE are the future!’
‘You won’t get away with this’ said Perv.
Khan grinned. ‘Oh but I already have. You see, with the death of a prominent presidential family member’ he waved his gun at Barron ‘at the hands of extreme right-wing terrorists, I have no choice but to declare martial law and rise above the petty limitation of democracy. And perhaps you hadn’t noticed, but back in America president Trump is not feeling to well and soon enough my friends will have to intervene to… Save America. Yes, things are looking pretty good I’d say.’
Barron was dumbstruck. Perv gnashed his teeth and started to raise his fist, a response met by Sadiq pointing his gun towards mrs Farage. ‘Ah ah ah, mr Pervert. One wrong move and Mrs Farage will meet a most unfortunate fate.’
‘The British people will rise up against you!’ cried Farage. Immediately, Khan hit Nigel’s cheek with the back of his gun. Nigel fell to the ground, blood spatters hitting the carpet. ‘Dorothy, Molly!’ Khan snapped his fingers.
2 rainbow soldiers grabbed Nigel’s arms and brought him up on his knees.
‘You know Nigel, I’ve been looking forward to this for such a long time. You have been such a pain in the ass, you know that? You know how much work it will be to permanently end Brexit?’ He punched Farage in the stomach, who bent over double in pain. ‘Not that it will matter. You people had your chance a long time ago, back when London still belonged to you.’ But you gave it all away with barely a fight. The West is ours now. Don’t worry, it’s for the better.’ Another punch. Nigel looked up with a blue eye and fat lip. ‘You’ll never win’ he said. Rage filled Sadiq’s face. As he raised his fist for another punch, Perv extended his arm towards the rainbow soldier keeping mrs Farage hostage. Suddenly a gun appeared in Perv’s hand. He pulled the trigger – the bullet connected with rainbow soldier’s forehead.

Then, many things happened at once.

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Part V: a new plan

Barron landed in a tree. With the help of some sturdy branches he reached the ground with relatively few bruises. He opened the flashlight on his smartphone and headed in the direction where Perv landed. Soon enough he found him. Some phone calls back later the team was together again. Huddled in a circle they discussed their options.
‘Steal a plane?
– ‘First place they’ll be looking for us will be nearby airports. Perhaps some distant airport, but that will cost too much time.’
‘Head for the US embassy?’
Hans shook his head. ‘That’ll be the second place they’ll look for us. They’ll stop us before we enter the place and even if we succeed there’s no telling how long they’ll keep us there. We need someone we can trust, someone well-connected.’
The men were silent for a moment.
‘Okay’, Perv sighed. ‘Perhaps I know someone. He’s not exactly low-profile, but he is well-connected and they won’t expect us visiting him. He lives in London. Judging from our position it’ll be a few hours by foot. We’ll see if we can get a car.’
They nodded. Perv turned to Mike. ‘Can you arrange a car?’ ‘Maybe’, came the answer. ‘Has to fit 6 men.’
– ‘Great. Let’s move on before the dogs or whatever are on our tail.’

With as little light as possible they navigated through the woods, avoiding roads. Sometimes they’d stand completely still when they’d hear a sound too close for comfort, as when they heard a helicopter in the distance, but overall the men kept the tempo high.

After an hour Barron was exhausted. They paused near a creek for some rest and water. As Hans, Mike and Jack did some stretching, Barron caught some breath. Perv sat next to him. ‘You holding in there?’
– ‘yeah, I think so.’
‘Good. There’s something I need to talk to you about. The plan was, I escort you all the way to Saudi Arabia, but the plan did not include us being shot down. I don’t know what will happen next. Worst case scenario and I am taken out, you should not be a sitting duck.’
Barron listened intently as Perv continued.
‘Look, there’s three things in the world you need to survive: money, a passport and a phone. Phones you can buy anywhere. As for the other two…’ Perv held out a passport and a wad of money. ‘Here you go.’
Barron took the passport and opened it. In it was his face, but it went with quite a different name: Ashton Bucksley from Oakland, California. ‘I can’t take this!’
– ‘you can and you will. I’ve had strict orders to give it to you in case of an emergency. Take the money as well. Better to use cash only from here on. It’s a hundred 50 euro bills.  Should be more than enough to get you to Saudi Arabia and back.’
Barron sighed. ‘Let’s just hope it doesn’t get to that.’
Perv agreed. Barron let himself fall backwards and gazed up to the stars. Something about the sound of rippling water gave Barron a serene feeling, even if the circumstances were far from that.
‘Perv?’
– ‘hm?’
‘I’ve been wondering to ask you. Why do you do it?’
– ‘Do what?’
‘This. Helping me out. Are you with some kind of agency?’
Perv laughed. ‘Hell no. I am a free man. And as a free man, I enjoy the finer things of life. Finer things which are, quite unfortunately, under attack. So I must fight.’
– ‘You don’t have to.’
‘Of course I do! For thousands of years men have fought! It is a most noble and virtuous pursuit. Besides, I am needed.’
– ‘By whom?’
‘Well right now by you. But others as well. We must unite and cooperate, but many are stubborn. Through superior aesthetics, I will help teach our people submission, then cooperation, then victory! Do you understand?’
– ‘…I think I do.’
‘Good.’ Perv smiled. ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, it is handsome Thursday. I have some business to take care off.’ And with that he turned to his phone.

The men continued their journey. After another hour the forests made way for meadows. They passed some farms. When Mike spotted an exposed car near one of them, he signaled the others to wait in a ditch next to a road. 20 minutes later a dark green Land Rover stopped on the road next to them. Mike opened the front door: ‘you guys need a lift?’ The men chuckled silently. Barron was very impressed, but as he got in he had to ask whether they could return the car later on. Mike raised his eyebrows. ‘If the situation permits it, sure.’

He put down his foot on the gas pedal and they sped towards Perv’s connection in South-East London.

Part IV: Under Attack

’20 minutes until checkpoint landing, please finish your whey and fasten your seatbelts.’

 Barron woke up to the metallic sound of Hans, the pilot, on the intercom. He yawned and peeked through the plane window. It was dark outside, but down below Barron saw land illuminated by hundreds of specks of light. They must already be in England. So far so good.

5 minutes later Perv came out of the cockpit and asked Barron to come with him. Something came up. As Barron entered the cockpit he saw Hans conversing with a voice crackling through the radio. ‘…Repeat, runway is damaged. Please confirm change flight course to six three zero Elstree Airfield.
– ‘Flight course six three zero Elstree airfield confirmed’ Hans answered. He looked nervous and when the radio switched off he immediately turned to Perv. ‘This is bad news. They say it’s a runway fire. Could be true, but it smells bad.’
‘I agree’ said Perv. ‘Smells like a trap.’
– ‘Maybe I can find some alternate landing spot. No way Elstree is safe.’
Hans grabbed a black address book. He leafed through it and pointed at a scribbled address. ‘Here. It’s more of a farm than an airport, but they’ll have fuel and I can…’
Before Hans could finish his sentence an alarm in the cockpit went off. Recognizing the sound, Hans looked at the radar. A dot was rapidly approaching their position. Hans turned white. ‘shit shit shit it’s a missile. The motherfuckers are actually shooting at us!’
‘What?’ Barron exclaimed. ‘But that’s an act of war!’
‘Maybe, but that doesn’t change a thing for us. At least this is not the first time I’ve had to evade a missile.’ Hans took the steering wheel and pushed it forward. The plane made a nosedive and started picking up speed. Through the front windows Barron could see the missile approaching in the distance. On the radar a second dot appeared, not far behind the first. Hans murmured: ‘two missiles huh? Oh man…’ Sweat dripped off his forehead as he steered the plane in a straight line towards the first missile.
‘Just a little bit further… Just a little bit further…’ The missile came closer and closer and Barron for the first time felt that dreadful fear of dying. Suddenly, Hans jerked the wheel to the left. The plane made a sharp turn, so sharp that Barron had to hold on to his chair as to not fall on the left wall of the plane. The missile passed straight underneath the cockpit, under the wings and passed the plane.
‘YEAH’, Perv shouted, but Hans was too occupied with missile number 2, which was now visible through the window. He stabilized the plane as fast as possible and made another nosedive, pushing his entire body on the steering wheel.
‘C’mon baby, go faster…’  Hans pushed the wheel so hard it seems to almost break. The missile was now less than 100 meters in front of them. Hans made the same turn and the plane jerked to the left. The second missile flew right passed the cockpit but a second later they heard a loud bang and everything shook. A voice shouted from the back: ‘the left wing is hit!’ Barron looked out and saw the tip of the wing was blown off. The jet engine was burning. Hans frantically tried to stabilize the plane but it was clear they were losing altitude. ‘Status report’ Perv demanded.
-‘Unsalvagable. We will crash. I might pull off an emergency landing.’
‘Too risky. We will jump, rendez-vous and head for our connection in London.’
-‘Yes sir.’ Hans switched on the intercom. ‘Gents, you may have noticed we have taken a slight hit. The Bombardier can not be saved, we can. Parachutes will be provided. Stand by.’ 
Perv handed Barron a parachute. ‘Put this on. Have you ever used one of these?’
Barron shaked his head. ‘Yeah that’s what I thought. I’ll keep it simple: pull this rope when the ground is getting too close for comfort. Don’t touch anything else. Understand?’ Barron nodded.

In the back Perv’s men stood by calmly as the shaking of the plane threw around cutlery and shards of ceramic plates. They put on the parachutes as Perv opened the emergency door and yelled: ‘We rendez-vous below! If you lose track of the team, call me! Good luck men!’
And with that the 6 men jumped out of the plane. Barron went 5th, followed by Perv. The plane quickly became a small spot and Barron was engulfed with darkness and wind. He was barely processing all that was happening, but the sudden turn of events gave him an adrenaline rush he had never experienced before. He had never seen the other parachutists so clear, never heard the rush of the wind so clear, never knew so clearly what to do. When he could distinguish leaves on the trees below he pulled the rope and the parachute opened. As he glided downwards, he saw a big explosion in the distance, where plane was heading to.